Even when I don’t feel like it

Truth be told I’m not exactly enjoying my morning walks right now. I feel tired. I feel heavy. I don’t feel motivated to “do” anything.

But every morning I get up, I get out the door, and I go to the beach. No excuses.

Why?

Because I am sure there will come a day when I can’t do certain things, but that day is not today. There’s a big difference between “I don’t feel like doing that” and “I can’t do that.”

Yesterday I told a friend, “I am going to live until I die.” He laughed, but it’s true. I am not going to stop doing things until I absolutely can’t do them anymore, and that includes my morning walk.

So that’s my encouragement to you today. Get out there and do the thing that you can do, even though you might not actually feel like doing it.

You’ll be glad you did.

These views are worth it.

By God’s grace

I left Haiti on March 20, unsure of when I would be able to return. At that point, surgery followed by chemotherapy was scheduled for April.

After changing practitioners, I had surgery May 2, facing a whole range of possibilities and scenarios.

But, by God’s grace, on July 20, I returned to the place that has captured my heart like none other. And what a joyous reunion it has been.

I will cherish these precious, fleeting moments with those who have the deepest part of my heart.

GCT is part of my story, but it will not keep me from living my life.

So, what’s the latest?

First, I want to say I feel amazing, and if I didn’t have these scars on my abdomen, I wouldn’t know anything unusual had happened earlier this summer.

Truly there’s not much to tell, and there probably won’t be for a while. As I have said over and over, this is a marathon, not a 100 yard dash.

Back in March when I started writing this blog, I was facing laparoscopic surgery, then chemo, so I was anticipating a rough summer.

Obviously those plans changed drastically in April when I switched practitioners and went with open abdominal surgery and no chemo.

In May I went into surgery with the knowledge I could come out with an ostomy. Thankfully that wasn’t the case. I was also told to expect weeks of recovery from surgery. That was also not really the case as I felt like I was “up and running” by the 2nd week.

In June I had my post-op appointment where Dr. Rossi and I talked about the benefits and the drawbacks of going on Letrozole.

And now in July I’ve been dealing with some of the new normal that’s come with that, though, once again, reality has been so much better than the projected scenario. None of the side effects I’m experiencing on a daily basis are of any great consequence at this point (mild, sporatic neuropathy, insomnia, fatigue, mild joint pain). If I weren’t on a medication and I was experiencing these symptoms I would just think, “Well, this is what getting older feels like!”

I am in the process of establishing secondary healthcare with a functional medicine practitioner, and my next appointment with Dr. Rossi will be September 25. Though that is a few weeks later than she had requested, trying to line her schedule up with my schedule wasn’t easy.

Getting established with a functional medicine practitioner looks like this - extensive lab work. I gave all of these samples this morning.

So September 25 it is. And I was able to get an appointment at Dr. Rossi’s Raleigh office versus at Duke, so that’s something to be thankful for, as well, as it will save quite a bit of time.

I have enjoyed my summer of This Time, Not Next Time immensely, and I am so glad I decided to take the time to do my daily morning walks at Wrightsville Beach when I am home and not traveling.

Thanks for following along here, for sending texts, for forwarding words of encouragement.

The summer is not over yet, and there are still some fun things to do in the weeks ahead. I am especially looking forward to this weekend. More on that later!

So how did I end up jumping off a bridge in Oregon?

There’s really not much to tell. I had said this was The Summer of This Time, not Next Time, and on Sunday as Rick and I were driving back to Portland, we passed PS Ogden State Park where we’d stopped on the way into Redmond on Friday.

Rick noted that people were bungee jumping off of one of the bridges. We had already driven past when he asked, “Do you want to go bungee jump?” At first, I felt indecisive - not from fear of heights, but more of “What if I get up there and can’t make myself jump off?” We were still driving down the highway when I said, “Yes! Let’s do it!” so Rick did a u-turn, and we went back.

We had to wait for a few people to do their jumps in front of us, including one lady who has jumped many times and one girl who just couldn’t bring herself to jump so she gave the guys permission to push her off. That was comforting to me because I knew that if I couldn’t mentally get myself to jump, the guys working would “help” me.

But as you can see from the video, I had no issue whatsoever walking out, stepping on the X, and jumping after the 1 - 2 -3 countdown.

It was an amazing sensation, and something I would definitely like to do again.

After the fact, we found out this is the tallest commercial bungee jump in North America, so I am thinking we might need to start chasing down some bungee jumping on other continents. Just an idea . . .

One week with Letrozole

After much research, debate, and prayer, on June 30 I picked up a 90 day supply of Letrozole from the pharmacy, and I dove in, taking my first dose about 6 p.m. that evening.

By 8 p.m. I couldn’t hold my eyes open any longer, and I slept through until about 4:30 the following morning.

Here’s how the rest of the week went:

• July 1, Day 2 - Woke up a little achy and feeling like I have jetlag, but after walking for an hour at the beach, I feel back to normal. Rick and I drove to Fort Caswell and biked for almost an hour later in the day. I felt tired this afternoon and napped.

• July 2, Day 3 - I woke up groggy and with minor pain on the bottoms of my feet. I would compare it to how my feet feel after a long run.

• July 3, Day 4 - Definitely think the meds make me drowsy. I need to take the pill no more than 30 minutes before I go to bed. Still experiencing pain in bottoms of my feet.

• July 4, Day 5. No noticeable side effects when I woke up. Slight neuropathy in feet at different times during the day.

• July 5, Day 6. No noticeable side effects when I woke up. However, Rick and I traveled from Wilmington to Portland, OR, today. A great deal of neuropathy in my feet as the day went on. No amount of walking or standing helped, though I walked laps in both ATL and SLC during layovers.

• July 6, Day 7. No noticeable side effects when I woke up. No side effects throughout the day.

• July 7, Day 8. No noticeable side effects when I woke up. However, after taking a morning hike, I came back and slept seven hours … until roughly 1:45 pm. I can't say for certain it was the Letrozole, but anyone who knows me knows this isn't normal.

I'll post another update after more time passes. However, if this is the extent of the side effects I’ll be experiencing, they are definitely manageable and worth the potential benefit for me.

Time will tell.

Medicine is considered a kindness from God. - Kayla Sanders

The gift of music

I have never known a worship leader who has as much passion and joy as Alex Tomlin, and I am so thankful for him. He doesn’t just sing with his mouth. He sings with his heart.

It doesn’t matter how I’m feeling when I come to The Bridge. It only takes a few minutes for my heart (and often my eyes) to be full as the church worships together.

My morning walks at Wrightsville Beach include quite a bit of Maverick City Music, and I was introduced to most of those songs because Alex put them on the list for The Bridge.

Alex probably doesn’t know it, but he’s been a significant part of this journey for me (both before surgery and during recovery), and I appreciate him and his wife, Ti, more than words can express.

A line in the sand

Today marks two months since surgery.

I was thinking on that this morning as I walked at the beach, and I decided, “Today is a line in the sand. Recovery from this recurrence is behind me, and I’ve made all the necessary decisions related to it. Now I am simply going to focus on the future.”

And, as if on cue, this song from Maverick City Music came up on my playlist:

You don't have to worry
And don't you be afraid
Joy comes in the morning
Troubles they don't last always…

With Jesus I can take it
With Him I know I can stand
No matter what may come my way
My life is in Your hands

What a perfect way to start a Sunday morning!

A quick update

I know it’s been a while since I have given an update, and that’s because I have been waiting until I actually had something concrete to say. But this entire process, truly since the beginning, has moved painfully slowly.

After sharing the following with family this morning, I decided to share it here, too - even though there’s not much to tell.

I am doing a lot of reading about Resveratrol which is found in many foods like dark grapes and blueberries.

I am having a very hard time getting answers from Duke about the implications of my Foundation test and my bone density test, and the longer this goes on the more inclined I am *NOT* to go on Letrozole. I was told yesterday that Duke could not get me in with an endocrinologist until DECEMBER. There's no point in seeing the endocrinologist (re: going on Letrozole) if I have to wait until December. Our health care system is a mess.

Have a great Wednesday. Love you.

I ask you all to continue to pray for wisdom. I do not have peace about going on Letrozole without getting concrete answers about the implications of Foundation testing and the DXA scan.