Choosing to hope for the good
The forecast wasn’t good this morning when I woke up. The chance of rain was high, the skies here at home were dark.
But I love to walk at the beach, and I decided to take a chance and drive down there - even if it meant I only had the opportunity to walk for a short time.
When I arrived, I took these two photos - while standing in the exact same spot.
I then walked for over an hour on the sand, and not one drop of rain fell.
Walking north, this was my view.
Walking south, this was my view.
The sky didn’t change between photos. What changed was my perspective, my focus, where I chose to look.
Isn’t this often how life is? Where I look determines what I see. My circumstances in life haven’t changed, but where I decide to focus my thoughts can change everything.
I can choose to believe the best.
I can choose to see the beauty around me.
I can choose to hope.
I can choose to praise.
I can choose gratitude.
One translation of Proverbs 4:23 puts it this way:
“Be careful how you think; your life is shaped by your thoughts.”
Before surgery I shared with friends that based on all that I had read, roughly 6 weeks after surgery, after I had physically healed, I would probably start to experience some depression.
And this week, I can see that is true. The battle of the mind is real. I am daily having to choose to focus on what is good and true and worthy of praise.
So for those of you who are asking how to specifically pray for me, this is my request:
Pray that I will continue to choose to rest in Hope and believe that His ways are good - even when the rain starts to fall.
Adventures begin when plans end
We had plans to go to New Orleans this weekend. But then we couldn’t get a plane ticket.
So we shifted gears and made plans to go to Maine. We had plane tickets, but then the flight out of RDU was cancelled… after we were already in Raleigh.
We pivoted again and drove to Crossville, TN, where we’ve had a lovely time exploring God’s creation.
Sometimes you have to make the best out of the situation in which you find yourself, remembering that we can make our plans, but the Lord directs our steps (Proverbs 16:9).
Last night’s dinner at a sweet little restaurant called Nicoletta’s was a reminder of that.
The summer of this time, not next time
And he said, "Someday I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dying. " - Tim McGraw
Despite how much I love Tim McGraw, I have not been skydiving, Rocky Mountain climbing, or 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu.
But so far Rick and I have done some really fun things on these summer weekends - trips to Kiawah Island, the Virginia Creeper Trail, and Long Island/Block Island.
I am going to affirm McGraw’s sentiment, however, when I echo: “Someday I hope you get the chance to live like you were dying.”
Saying yes to this time and not waiting until next time is really, really fun.
This season has its hard days, but it has its beautiful ones, as well.
Oh, and guess what? We’re planning to be off on another adventure this weekend! I can hardly wait!
The gift of mentors
I’ve mentioned this before. I love the Peas and Carrots Podcast and listen every Wednesday morning on my walk.
The hosts, Brian and Kayla Sanders, may not realize it, but they are mentoring me week-by-week. Their discussions have caused me to think deeply on a variety of matters through the years, and I appreciate their humble, thoughtful approach to different topics.
This morning as I continue to struggle through important health care choices, their podcast spoke directly to me. And for that, I am thankful.
The big takeaway:
Medication can be a kindness, a mercy from God.
When the choice is not clear
As I was parking at Wrightsville Beach this morning, I ran into someone I haven’t seen since surgery. She gave me a hug and asked how I was doing. I got emotional in the moment, and that really confused me.
It took me some time walking at the beach before I realized why I got teary-eyed. I am thinking constantly about whether or not I should go on Letrozole, and I think that’s causing me more anxiety than I realized.
Up until this point, the “next step” has been pretty clear. Surgery was a given. Switching my care to Duke wasn’t much of a choice. Deciding against chemo was easy after research.
But Letrozole is different. There is conflicting clinical evidence. There is conflicting anecdotal evidence among those who have used Letrozole.
There’s no easy choice here. No strikingly right answer.
I feel great right now. But we know I still have cancer in my body. Do I give up the health I currently have in order to perhaps have better quality of life in the future?
Letrozole has a multitude of harsh side effects for many people. But for some people it does not.
Letrozole could possibly keep me from developing more tumors for a substantial amount of time. Or it might not.
I am not currently at peace with going on Letrozole. But I also do not have to make that choice today. I will, however, have to make a choice soon.
So for those of you who’ve asked me in recent months how you can specifically pray, here it is:
Pray that I will make the choice that is best for me, and that once I make that choice, come what may, I will not second-guess the decision.
My June 5th Post-op Appointment
Good morning, Everyone! I want to start out by saying thank you to everyone who reached out yesterday to check in, knowing I had my post-op appointment.
The appointment went as well as could have been expected. I really appreciate the team at Duke. Dr. Rossi has a wonderful ability to tell me the things I need to hear in a way that I can accept her recommendations. I know she has taken into account my thoughts on the matter.
We discussed at length the reality that 1) this was not my first surgery for GCT, 2) I had multiple malignant areas in my abdomen on May 2, 3) malignancy is likely to recur in the future, and 4) management is limited due to the unpredictable nature of granulosa cell tumor.
There is no perfect solution.
However, given where I am right now, we have decided that combining the drug Letrozole with routine testing and monitoring would be the best option.
No, I do not want to be on a prescription medication long-term, but taking all factors into consideration, Letrozole would seem to be the wisest course, even with all of the potential side effects that could come with it.
I have been researching Letrozole for the last month, discussing pros and cons with other medical professionals as well as women like myself with recurrent GCT.
If Letrozole works, it could hold the cancer at bay for a substantial length of time. If it does not, we can move on to other options.
Further, Dr. Rossi and I discussed my plan to continue being active and choosing the best food and supplement options.
In preparation for starting Letrozole, I will have a DEXA scan (bone density test) on June 16 in Raleigh, just to be certain I am at a good baseline for starting this medication as it could reduce the strength in my bones.
Again, there is no easy answer, but I am thankful I have choices. I am thankful for modern medicine. I am thankful for good health insurance that allows me to pursue multiple options. I am thankful for a community that has surrounded me and keeps showing up in so many ways to encourage me.
And I am thankful to know true Hope.
The gift of unexpected friendship
My new friend, Jeffrey Ritter, shared the following on social media recently. I couldn’t have said it better myself. My life is richer because of people like him I have met on this journey.
So, in the hospital, I was diligently walking laps, but kept finding someone's marker on the lap-board creeping ahead each day. Damn, who was beating my butt?
Well, we met, compared surgical scars (think of the scene in Jaws) and, despite wearing backless surgical gowns, became instant forever friends. Both survivors that will not stop being alive!
There is such strength when we fight together!
The gift of this morning
We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps. Proverbs 16:9
I had a schedule today. I was going to go to Wrightsville Beach and walk for an hour and a half and be home by 8.
That didn’t happen.
Instead, the bridge went up as I was walking down, so I had to wait for that.
Because I waited for that, I was walking near the Loop a little later than expected, and as if on cue, a fox popped out, crossed my path, then retreated to the undergrowth to watch me from there. And I stopped to watch him, too.
I didn’t get a photo of him, but moments later I saw this bird, and I had to get a picture. I love seeing creatures while I am out walking in the morning.
That slight delay meant that I crossed paths with a friend a few minutes later. I haven’t seen her in a long time, and I would have surely missed her had I been on my schedule.
Walking the beach I recognized a couple from The Bridge I don’t know well, and they recognized me. After a long conversation, we were holding hands and praying right there on the sand.
Because of that unexpected encounter, I decided to head back in a different direction to save time, and I ran into friends who live on the island - friends I’ve looked for every single morning since I started walking at Wrightsville Beach, but I had yet to see. We were able to chat for quite a while, and they encouraged me so much!
This morning was a gift. I haven’t showered yet, I’m completely off the schedule I set for myself, and I am completely okay with that.
“We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps.”