The gift of my Haitian family
Recently the staff of Haiti Awake shared the following:
Sè Becky,
Your family from your second home, Haiti, want you to know how much we love you and pray for you. You are a gift to us from God.
Knowing you is a privilege. For the past eleven years, we have learned so much from you. Your love for Haiti, especially for Haiti Awake, is obvious.
Thank you for walking with us in every trial that we have known in Haiti, even in the midst of your own trials. Now we can walk with you.
You are in our hearts and prayers.
We love you very much.
Get healed soon!
Your family at Haiti Awake
I’ve Still Got Alot of Fight Left in Me
Initial diagnosis - May 2019
Recurrence diagnosed - February 2023
Debulking surgery - May 2, 2023
Today’s 6 mile run-walk on Kiawah Island - May 28, 2023
There is much to conquer in the days ahead, and I'm not done yet.
Like Rachel Platten sings, "‘Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me."
The gift of not waiting for another day
One of the gifts of the last few months has been the awareness that time is fleeting and it’s my responsibility to make the most of what I am given.
For example, we live minutes from Wrightsville Beach. People spend thousands of dollars to vacation here, but I rarely take advantage of this treasure which is easily accessible to me.
I realized recently that I often think about taking my morning walk down by the water, but I always find a reason to just walk in my neighborhood, thinking, “I’ll get down there another day.”
But “tomorrow” becomes the next day and then the next, and it becomes weeks - months! years! - and I’m still walking in my neighborhood every morning.
Last week I decided to change that. And I am so glad I did because had I not, I would have missed moments like these.
Last night I watched an episode of This is Us. It’s the scene from Season 4, shortly after Rebecca finds out she’s losing her memory, when Randall and Kevin find her at the MET, staring at a painting. I love this scene so much.
“My life has been full of next times, things I always assumed I would get to eventually, but now I realize that I am running out time to do them . . . I want to make up for all of my next times.”
I’m realizing I want to choose “right now,” not “next time” or “tomorrow” or some undefined day in the future. I want to know what it means to live and not just be alive. I want to say “yes” more than I say, “No.”
I, too, want to make up for all of my “next times.”
And that starts with simple decisions like getting in the Jeep and driving down to Wrightsville Beach each morning.
Prayer Shirts
Right before surgery, I started receiving photos like these, photos of friends wearing shirts that said “Faith over Fear.” My favorite detail was the image of Haiti on the shirts. However, I had no idea where the shirts were coming from or who had started this. As time passed, I got some of the backstory, but this weekend, my dear friend, Tonya Fink, took her time to write the following.
The idea began with Greg and I trying to come up with some way that we could support you, like you did for us. We talked about going to Duke and being there for your surgery. That didn’t seem very practical since there are 8 of us;).
Greg had the idea that we should have a t-shirt made and have our family wear it and take a photo and send it to you. The wheels started turning…yes! That would be awesome! Let’s make shirts for us and reach out to Becky’s friends and see if anyone else would want to jump on the bandwagon. We’ll put on our shirts, take a photo and send it to you for encouragement.
I thought it would be amazing to have all the kids at Kay Timoun and the staff have shirts also. Before we got the idea out there, someone had already asked about paying for the Haiti shirts, although Steeve was insistent that he pay for his own! I ordered 59 shirts in that first order.
Your friend, Susannah, sent me a message asking about getting some shirts, and she referred to them as “prayer shirts”. Kinda like a prayer shawl, we’ll pray for you every time we wear our shirts. A visible reminder to pray. To my surprise, several of my friends that don’t even know you wanted to buy shirts. I had no idea why!
Let me back up and talk about the design. We really wanted the #fearisnotmyfuture and something relating to Haiti on the shirts. I have a sweet friend who is a graphic designer and when she sent me the mock up, I knew this was the one. I just needed her to add “team Becky”. The teal color was for ovarian cancer.
As I delivered the shirts, everyone had different reasons for wanting to buy the shirts. My friend, Michelle said that it was a visible way for her to share Christ. Whenever someone asked her about it, she could point them to Him! She’s the one who wanted to donate some money to Haiti Awake! Another one of my friends had been battling breast cancer. This was a way for her to show support for others battling cancer. At church the other night, a man asked me about you and your ministry. He wants more information about Haiti Awake! I just need to remember to bring him some info!
After the first wave of t-shirts, others wanted to join in. As I was at the post office preparing to ship them, a guy stopped me. He was a tough looking dude. He looked like he hadn’t had a bath in quite a while and like maybe he wanted to kill me;). I paused and told him what the t-shirts are and to my surprise, he said, “Can I have her name? I would like to pray for her!”
What?!?! That was totally unexpected. As I was checking out, he asked if he and his girlfriend could buy shirts. They were praying but, wanted a “prayer shirt”! I was reminded (once again) not to judge a book by it’s cover!
As I left, he yelled after me, “My girlfriend and I are praying for Becky!”
What started out as just a way for us to show you how important and special you are to us turned into So. Much. More!
We are truly grateful for the gift of you in our lives and hope that each time you get a photo of someone wearing their “prayer shirt”, you’ll be reminded of the impact you have had in so many lives! We love you!!
Had you asked me a month ago if t-shirts be an encouragement to me, my answer would have been, “I really don’t think so.” But what I have found, one photo at a time, is that I have appreciated this thoughtful act of kindness more than words can express.
I am so thankful for the many friends who have shown up and continue to do so in different ways. You encourage me daily.
The Unofficial Plan
In early March after the tumor board met at Novant, my Wilmington surgeon told me I would need debulking surgery (removal of visible tumors) as well as adjuvant chemotherapy.
I then requested a referral to the UNC Cancer Center because I had done enough research over the last four years to know that chemo is generally not markedly effective in stopping recurrence of the disease or extending life expectancy. However, the provider at UNC affirmed Novant’s recommendation. I accepted that and began preparing my heart and mind for surgery on April 14 followed by six rounds of chemo spaced three weeks apart.
But then I really started digging into clinical research, as well as reading the stories of other women with GCT. And I circled back to what I’ve known since 2019 - chemo isn’t a great option for my situation. I started asking myself questions like, “Why would I break down the health I currently have for the small possibility I might have added longevity in the future?”
On April 2, I talked with Dr. Jobling in Australia, and he affirmed what I was thinking: Chemotherapy is not the right course of action given where I am right now on this journey. His recommendation was surgery, then maintenance hormonal therapy (i.e. hormone suppression).
The next morning I had a telehealth call with my surgeon at Novant. I canceled my surgery with him and told him I was going to pursue other options. I did not at that time have another plan in place. . . but I knew without a doubt that I needed one. He and I had an amicable conversation that left the door open to potential partnership for my health care in the future, even if my primary care is at a different facility.
Fast forward through repeated phone calls to MD Anderson and Duke before deciding to go with Duke, fast forward through my initial meeting with Dr. Rossi and the next three weeks waiting for surgery, and fast forward through my surgery on May 2 to where I am today.
Last week, I was told there would be a conference on Monday, May 15, to discuss my care. In light of that, I sent this message:
“It is my desire to remain active and engaged in life. I want to pursue options which maximize my potential for that. Quality of life, not quantity of life, is my focus.”
I have yet to speak to Dr. Rossi directly (that will happen June 5), but this is what her nurse conveyed to me after the conference:
“Recommendation: consider carboplatin/paclitaxel though favor reserving chemotherapy for future recurrence/progression with measurable disease, versus maintenance hormonal therapy with letrozole, also could consider addition of palbociclib to letrozole, though favor reserving that combination for future recurrence/progression as well.
******
Looks like the team was open to chemotherapy, but think holding off is the better way to go at this time. Dr Rossi will review all of this and ask for your input at your post op visit.”
I was so relieved to read this because it is exactly the plan I would have written for myself based on all that I have read and heard. Yes, there might be a place for chemo in the future with recurrence/progression, but for now, I am comfortable with minimal intervention, a continued healthy lifestyle, and a wait-and-see attitude.
I am quite ready to jump back into life, and I have every intention to live my life to the fullest - without fear of the future. This journey is not over. But I am ready to embrace the next chapter.
Give it a listen
The Peas and Carrots Podcast has been one of my favorites for a while now. I look forward to the weekly episodes which drop on Wednesdays, so I was honored to be asked to share some of my story with Brian and Kayla Sanders recently.
This week's episode focuses on my current personal situation, and next week's episode will be about Haiti. You'll hear some conversation about all things British, and then our conversation starts 9 minutes in.
I hope you'll give it a listen - and make the Peas and Carrots Podcast a podcast you regularly listen to!
Moments
See the moments for what they are. They are moments. And they are fleeting.
Two weeks ago I took my first tentative steps post-op after being immobile for more than 24 hours. I was eager to get back to it, but moments into that first walk I was overcome by nausea and had to take a seat for a bit before trying again.
This morning I drove down to Wrightsville Beach and walked nearly 6 miles. It felt so good. I don’t share this to boast or so that someone will say, “You’re amazing.” I share this to encourage others.
Put in the time now, before you’re facing a crisis, so when the hard times come, you’ll have endurance, you’ll have strength, you’ll be able to carry on. You’ll see the moments for what they are.
No, these last two weeks haven’t been perfect or easy in every moment. There have been some hard moments, especially on those days when nausea was more than I thought I could handle and abdominal pain was intense.
For the record, abdominal surgery is no joke.
But looking back, those were moments that passed.
There will surely be hard moments on the road ahead, but I want to keep that in perspective. They are moments. And just like all moments in life they are fleeting.
I am encouraged by the words of David in Psalm 39:
“LORD, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered— how fleeting my life is.”
Fix your eyes
I distinctly remember the first time someone shared 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 with me. I was 14 years old and doing my first real interview with a college basketball player at UNC, Steve Hale. Steve had experienced an injury that was affecting his ability to play, and he told me this passage helped him put things in perspective. Ever since that time, when I hear or read this verse, I think of Steve.
As a 14 year old, I understood the verse in a certain way, but it was a limited perspective. At 14, I did not see myself wasting away outwardly - or truly being renewed inwardly day after day.
Before my recent surgery, my dad also sent this same passage to me. And I thought about these verses in a completely different light. I am keenly aware that this body of mine is wasting away day by day, but I am just as aware that my heart continues to grow ever more fond of the Maker who designed it. And I truly believe there is an eternal weight of glory ahead.
It’s interesting indeed how the truths of Scripture hit differently at different times in life, in different circumstances, but their relevance remains the same.
People have repeatedly asked me if I am “really” okay, how I am “really” doing, and “how is your heart”? I am sure there are struggles ahead, but until this point, I can truly say, “It is well” - not because everything is good, not because I am denying the realities I am facing, not because I have any assurance that this path will end in healing, but because God, in His mercy, is enabling me to fix my eyes on more than today, to fix my eyes on the purpose in the pain.
Yesterday a sweet friend came to me before the 9 a.m. gathering at The Bridge and expressed that this blog has encouraged her. It is in moments like this that I can see the Lord is designing a purpose in this suffering for His glory, that He is writing a story beyond what I have the ability to write on my own, that He is helping me fix my eyes on the things I cannot see. I can have confidence I will see these things of eternal value as I continue to gaze in the right direction.
I am reminded of the words of the old hymn:
“Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace.”