When plans change

Today feels really odd.

Based on the schedule for chemotherapy that was originally laid out, today should have been my last treatment - treatment 6 of 6. I suppose I expected to “ring the bell” today, though I must admit I wasn’t looking forward to that because I knew that finishing 6 cycles of Carbo Taxol wouldn’t be the end of the story.

But then plans changed when my ANC and my platelets went so low after the initial treatment. A three-week delay ensued. That pushed the entire schedule back, so today should have been treatment 5 of 6.

But then came the lab results and the CT scan that showed the cancer has progressed significantly since we started chemotherapy treatment in March. Words like “high histologic grade,” “progressive disease,” and “platinum resistant” now define my disease.

And so I am conflicted. The very thing I fought for seven years became the valley I willingly passed through, but I was extracted from this same valley without actually walking the full length of the path. I never envisioned this being the way the story would play out.

Part of me wishes I were at chemo this morning because that would mean it had been working, and part of me is so glad it’s over. I never believed it would work for me. That’s why I fought going this route for so long. And I was right. But it doesn’t feel good to be right in this case.

I continue to believe that there is more to be learned on this journey, and I am thankful for Biblical wisdom that reminds me today and each day, “The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives.” Psalm 37:23

None of the twists and turns on the journey have taken God by surprise.